That Dough Though: Ain't Nutellin'

TIM HORTON'S/NUTELLA COLLAB! Can I get a f*ck yeah? In case you live under a rock, Tim Horton’s is rollin’ out three new Nutella-inspired products on April 15th and Canadians from coast to coast are about to go ham. I myself am feeling some feelings about the upcoming release. Five feelings, to be exact.

1. I'm glad. I am a big fan of the Nutella spread and I am also a big fan of collaborations in general. It is amazing what can be created when two people put their minds together! It is even more amazing what can be created when two big business corporations blend their brands together! This pairing of flavours is innovative stuff.

A tasty marriage of corporations.

2. I'm worried. As a spoon-in-the-jar-until-it's-done consumer of Nutella, I am concerned at the increasing accessibility to this addictive, sugary shit that is advertised as a nut spread. I know that my hungover trashcan of a body will crave and indeed satisfy the craving for pretty much anything sugary or salty when provided with the opportunity. As a financially challenged ~weekend warrior~ I foresee many a trip to Tim Horton’s in my future. At least five of these will surely begin with an everything bagel B.E.L.T. and end with a Nutella filled donut. Such is life.

Such is life!

3. I'm indifferent. And I'm also frustrated. I'll begin by saying that in terms of Nutella being used as a spread, the bagel is merely a vehicle. Give me cream cheese on a bagel and I will give you my undying love. Give me Nutella on a bagel and I will scrape it off and give you back the bagel. The bagel is unnecessary. There is no reason for cream cheese to "step aside" as the author in this Global News article proclaims. The two spreads are incomparable due to their vastly different flavours and due to the fact that Nutella belongs on a spoon or in a donut, not on top of a bagel. But for those who do like their Nutella spread on bread (a waste but to each their own), I can tell you right now that considering the lack of skill with which Tim Horton’s employees spread condiments on bagels, you are bound to be disappointed. Which brings me to my frustration. Blessed be the day that I am handed a perfectly toasted and properly smeared bagel. But let's not blame the underpaid T-Ho employees who are just tryin' to get by on a dime. Their apathy is understandable. The chunks of cream cheese they leave in my bagel holes? A direct and unfortunate result.